First intro paragraph:
The cost of college needs to be reduced because it is not allow more less advantaged students to attend. When our nation's funds are being drained every day by a war in Iraq, it is not right that there are stil students that are unable to afford college. For those struggling to pay for college, the increased cost of living only causes more pressure.
Revised intro paragraph:
The average American is in debt. Credit card debt piles up and the cost of living keeps increasing every year. Jowever the amount of financial for low income families and minorities keeps decreasing. The importance of getting a college diapolma in order to have a more successful career are also mounting. It is important that aid to families in need be increased because it will only open college to more people.
The exercise really helped me to add more to my introduction. Once the paper is fleshed out with research then I will be able to craft my intro even more.
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